just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Are my feet made of real feet?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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