Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
