I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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