Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
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