Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
