So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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