I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
