i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
