i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
