I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
sarcasm needs its own font
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
