Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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