last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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