dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
