Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
