If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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