This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
