I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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