yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
