last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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