I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
