your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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