We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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