I like my sex mixed with concussions.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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