It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
