i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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