one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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