Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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