don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
