This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
