I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
