The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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