i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
