So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
