You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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