as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
