the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
