Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he told me I talked like a deaf person
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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