Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize