new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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