yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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