she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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