I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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