Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
