Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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