I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
