We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
