I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
