Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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