i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
