Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
