dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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