the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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