I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Randomize
