can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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