Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
