How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
